To Whom It May Concern
“I am a 28 year old beautiful lady.
I am a motivated, adaptable and responsible graduate seeking an entry-level position in motherhood which will utilise the organisational and communication skills developed through my career. I am now ready to settle down and start a family. Having been educated for six years for a medical degree in one of the toughest universities in Kenya I believe I can transition to the motherhood role. If I survived this, I can survive raising up children. It can’t be that tough, can it? My career goal is to be a very loving and caring mother. Looking presentable at all times. Never fatigued. My kids will always be obedient, smiling and clean. They will be all rounded and energetic. They will listen to me at all times and they will excel in anything they set out to do. I will also mentor other women who are struggling with such a simple job. I will show them how possible it is to have many kids, slap on mascara and heels while whipping up the most delicious meal in the kitchen as the kids sit still or help around. This is my career goal for this job.
“During my degree I successfully combined my studies with work and other commitments showing myself to be self-motivated, organised and capable of working under pressure. I have a clear, logical mind with a practical approach to problem solving and a drive to see things through to completion. I enjoy working on my own initiative or in a team. In short, I am reliable, trustworthy, hardworking and eager to learn and have a genuine interest in caring for children .
Perseverance. Yes. I can stay up late in the night. I can work 36 hours nonstop. I have handled very irritable relatives of patients. I have nursed sick people back to health. I have not yet changed their bedding or bathed them but I have observed others do it so it cannot be that difficult. I have often had to think on my feet. I believe my experiences so far make me the most suitable candidate for this job of motherhood. I strongly believe that!
I would now like to apply for two children. I can have one now at 28 and the other one two years later. Make that a boy and girl please. Oh, let the girl come with my genes for good hair. The boy, well, I’ll not be very choosy but a handsome one isn’t a tall order, is it?
I look forward to your favourable response.
Management acknowledges receipt of your letter and the contents therein. The good news is that we find you a suitable candidate for this role. The unfortunate part is that many others have applied before you and we are currently overwhelmed with the process of sorting them in order of priority. We beg for your indulgence.
However, should you be in a hurry, considering your advanced age, we recommend that you seek professional help. We do not guarantee outcomes though.
We wish you well in your new job of motherhood. It is a roller coaster!
Performance Review After 8 years
It’s me. Amakove. Remember? I last wrote in 2006. I am sorry I didn’t come back to you to appreciate the role that I was given.
I must admit I have been very busy the past 8 years. I requested for 2 kids. A handsome boy…I got that, thanks! I also asked for a beautiful girl…They came three! Three! You must have mixed up my order. I tried to complain but I was informed you have a no return policy.
I am told that today is Mothers’ Day and a performance review is due. I will be the very patient one on the queue trying to contain four (you mixed up my order!) boisterous kids.
Happy mothers’ day to me because you do know I have tried! (This should in no way be construed as a bribe to get a favourable response.)
Incl: a picture of my very boisterous kids. It is hard to get them all together. It is hard to keep them clean. I do try. Honestly.